Authenticity

This subject is one that’s of normal challenge because Humans are taught from a very young age to act a certain way in order to recieve love from two (much larger) humans when we are children.

I mean, let’s think about it logically:

We spend the first 5 years of our lives as curious children.

We are completely and utterly dependent on our parents (or some sort of guardian) in order to feed us, bathe us, clothe us, and teach us the mannerisms which are appealing to these adults, personally.

This doesn’t really serve as a problem, everyone needs someone to learn from.

Few humans make it on their own from birth if they’re abandoned.

How many children have you heard of that were actually raised by wolves that weren’t a fairy tale of some sort?

Not many.

Although these first few years of life are pinnacle in our development, they also set the tone for the type of children we become.

This is, at least, until we get into public schooling, and are taught to operate by what another set of adults deems as “appropriate”.

So, by the time we hit 18, we’ve made it through 5 years of exclusive parental guidance, and another 13 of public schooling.

We’ve picked up a LOT of habits that do not necessarily serve our highest good.

We’ve developed patterns in order to receive love / praise.

More often than not, these patterns are completely and utterly useless.

I’ll use myself as an example (because what other perspective could I possibly provide?)

I’ve dealt with trying to be “all things to all people” because in my eyes, there’s nothing that I can’t accomplish.

Although this isn’t a bad trait to have within the real world, there were some situations that would cause more problems than solutions.

It mainly had to do with my last two relationships: the last 8 years of my life.

I had the tendency to try and fix other people, before ever really getting to know who I was, or what my personal needs were for growth.

Relationship #1: 16-20 years old, with my high school sweetheart.

1. Developed codepency with someone who (was) socially anxious

2. Held internal resentment + blamed them for my lack of internal awareness and growth

3. Knew I wanted out of the relationship before the 2 year mark, but stayed anyway

I was nowhere near as self-aware as I am now. 

But after many, many mistakes, and realizing my role as an emotional and mental abuser, I ended it.

However, like many lessons, it repeated. Because I hadn’t truly learned to be alone with self.

I found myself infatuated with another woman within a week.

In fact, it was because of #2 that I broke it off with #1.

See the problem?

Relationship #2: 20-24 years old, with a woman 3 years my elder.

1. Literal repetition of problems with my previous relationship.

2. Narcissist / Empath dichotomy. 

3. We were both abusers, and victims.

Boy, was this one a ride.

From learning non-possessive love, dealing with physical abuse (her to me), both of us switching the abuser role multiple times per day (at it’s worst), and once again, I tried to fix problems with not just her.

But her immediate family as well.

Needless to say, it ended in disaster.

We were great friends, but terrible lovers.

It took, once again, me walking away from a relationship I knew was toxic.

This was harder than before because there was no amount of leaving that would prevent this person from pursuing me.

But, both relationships served a greater purpose.

I became a better communicator: both to self and to others (especially women).

I learned empathy (a trait I didn’t really have in my first relationship [I thought I was sociopathic like that])

I learned how to reinforce my personal boundaries, hell i learned HOW to HAVE boundaries.

I learned that there’s no amount of my influence that will change another person outside of myself.

But the greatest lesson of all, I learned how to be a blank slate, stay neutral, in the face of adversity, abuse.

There are no problems in this world that cannot be solved with a perspective of love.

Not in a demeaning way, or a condescending way, but in a way that holds the space for another person.

I, too willingly, allow myself to play ‘therapist’ for those around me.

I’m a great listener.

But only recently, have I learned not to speak.

We pick up patterns from our parents, our teachers, our friends, our experiences, hardships, upbringing, all of it.

The issue comes with still identifying by those patterns when they no longer serve us.

Once you’ve learned a lesson, there’s no longer a reason to subscribe to that version of yourself.

You’re free to be, that child in your youth.

Except now you know the rules of the game.

You know how to play.

You know how to defend yourself.

But that doesn’t mean you always have to.

And the trick to healing that inner-child, is to remind them (yourself) that you’re safe.

You’ve made it up until now.

You’re ready to create, to build, to invent, to discover, to LOVE.

Take a breathe.

Your next life is ready to begin.

If you’re ready to release the one that got you here.

Thank you for reading.